Pet peeve: "you know deep down you still believe..."

"You know deep down you still believe in God."

"You still know that God exists."

These statements get on my nerves. Mostly because one just got thrown at me. If you keep up with my posts, you may remember a while back that I mentioned one of my friends removed me from her Facebook and decided we were no longer allowed to be friends, etc, etc. Well I woke up this morning, checked my email, and found a Facebook message from her. It was a little apologetic, but not very much. She said we could be friends again if I wanted to keep in touch with her (gee, thanks).

She said "you know deep down you can't deny the fact that God exists," and she also said that since I know the truth, I'll be responsible before the Lord.

Okay, why can't people just let me make my own damn decisions? I'm so sick of people assuming that I'm an atheist because of my boyfriend, or because I'm "a follower," or because I just wanted to rock the boat.

If I still believed in God, I would still be a Christian. I thought this would be obvious, but apparently it's not.

But I think the thing that most annoyed me about this message is that she claimed to know exactly what I was thinking. You do not know what's going on up in my mind. That's why it's MY mind, and not yours.

Assuming makes an ass of you and I!

I'm trying to save my relationship with this girl because we were friends for such a long time, but... I really don't think that's gonna be an option.

A brief rant and apology.

So sorry for the lack of updates, guys. I'm not blog material, I guess. I have faith, though, that none of you were on the edge of your seats in anticipation of my next post, so... :] I think we're all good.

Anyways... a few observations about being "out" around my family and friends:

1. As far as I'm aware, I've only lost 2 friends. One of them I was very close to. She's on the road to becoming a foreign missionary, and--after a brief period of awkwardly dancing around each other and really really badly-faked friendliness, she has removed me from her friends list on Facebook (main line of communication right there) and made it clear she wants nothing to do with me. I understand I guess... she's just doing what the Bible (more specifically: John Piper) tells her to. She's always been intensely serious about Christianity, and even when I was a Christian we clashed... a lot. I hate to assume the worst... but I'm guessing she's written me off because I'm a damn dirty atheist and she's a golden glorious missionary. (Let's not even get into talking about what a missionary's "job" is...) The other is a guy I used to be fairly close to, now an acquaintance barely worth mentioning. Definitely no biggie there.

I spent one sleepless night worrying my little head off about it, but then I realized... screw those guys! I will sleep well tonight knowing that I'm being 100% true to myself, instead of being a pussy for a little bit of validation from some so-called friends.

2. My mom and I agreed to disagree in matters concerning her religion and my atheism... she subsequently dug through my things and found a couple trial issues of Freethought Today (what I like to call "aggressively atheist"), and flipped out, banning all atheist materials from the house.... I've found that her idea of respect is rather one-sided. We listen to appalling amounts Christian radio when we are in the car together, and she recently made a kind of rude comment about atheists in front of my fanatically Christian aunt (who we were staying with at that time). I seethed silently, rather than defend myself and get kicked out of the house.

She also brings up demons and ghosts a lot. Fear of the supernatural is something I really struggled with when I was a believer, and I feel like she's trying to use that against me in an attempt to get me to return to the faith. She told me that she saw a "big black shadow" walk into my bedroom at about the time I became an atheist, but that I shouldn't be scared because she thinks it was God's way of telling her to watch out for me.

It's all so... manipulative and passive-aggressive, and when I try to defend myself then I become the villain. I am more than willing to drop the subject and never ever ever talk religion with my mom ever again... I guess the ball's in her court.

Anyways, over the next few days I'll be cleaning up the blog a bit... deleting and revising some of my cringe-worthy posts, maybe making the layout a little nicer, stuff like that. I'm also going to try to start posting a little more regularly... no promises, though. ;]

15-day atheist challenge, day 5.

Did you lose any friends because you decided to be an atheist? Did your family flip out?  

I can happily say that I didn't outright lose any friends... a few acquaintances from the church I was attending before I became an atheist simply reverted to ignoring me or giving me dirty looks, but none of my true friends totally dissed me... I feel like it's because a lot of them understand what it's like to "come out" in a Christian community--be they LGBT or non-Christian or both. Those of us with "alternative lifestyles" here in Louisiana gotta stick together, after all. :] There are many friends I simply didn't bother telling... I don't feel like the whole world needs to be all up in my grill.   

When I was a Christian I had an accountability partner, and he was absolutely, unequivocally my best friend. We shared absolutely everything with each other. Our relationship has suffered since I became an atheist, and that's really sad... but it happens. He's moving off for grad school next year, and I seriously regret not trying to connect with him these past few months. He's a dedicated, hardcore Christian, and I no longer ascribe to or support those beliefs--but I will always love the crap out of that boy.

I was outed to my family about a week ago, when my mom read through all of my private messages on Facebook... I was super mad at the time, as were my parents... but we've talked through everything. They, of course, are blaming my atheism on my boyfriend and swear up and down that it's "just a phase" and that deep down I still believe in the Christian god. They can believe whatever they want about my atheism, honestly... we've agreed to disagree, we don't bring it up anymore, and my boyfriend was able to be a part of the conversation. My grandmother and my uncle also know... and they've been nothing if not accepting and accomodating.

I've started being more open about my nonbelief, and my grandmother and I have gotten into a few heated debates on Facebook (haha), but it's all respectful. It's really nice to be able to express my opinions as an atheist without fear of being "found out."

I was pleasantly surprised by my family's reactions... and I'm so relieved that I'm finally out! :]